TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of location. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different area exactly where American Guys can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present Every person a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable Trump Tower Damascus energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he really should stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a function remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting consideration from international investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will also include things like:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down services."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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